What goes around, comes around

As I write this, it is 4am. Yes, I am up and writing at friggin 4am! I am not sure why I am awake except the my mind decided to thrust itself into full thought processing at this crazy hour so instead of laying in my bed tossing and turning, I decided to just get up and clear my head. This happens more and more to me it seems as I get older and head into that barren land of "menopause".

So what could weigh so heavily on my mind at this odd hour, you wonder? Well, in fact I got to thinking about my upcoming trip to Nashville and about the folks I have sent messages to that have decidedly ignored my questions or requests. They obviously don't have the balls to just say "no thanks" and have found it easier to ignore me in the hope that I will just go away. For me this is a huge frustration and somewhat of a disappointment. It pushes to the forefront my insecurities and makes me once again list my many inadequecies and flaws. How did they know about those? Did someone put a sign on my forehead or perhaps on my back outlining them for the world? I know I sure as hell haven't mentioned them to anyone! At my ripe old age of 43 I have learned to keep my big mouth shut about them, so how did they find out???

And even further to that, I wonder "Who the hell do I think I am that they should be happy to give me a helping hand or to spend some time with me?"

Well, fuck that. I know who I am. I have spent years developing my talents and sowing the seeds of my dreams in order to one day see the fruits of my labour. Why isn't that on that big, fat sign on my back? Why don't they say to themselves "Wow, it would be an honour to work with this woman, maybe get to know her a little better?" This is what plagues me at this ungodly hour. I guess they don't understand who they are dealing with here. I will not waver. I will march forth with or without their helping hands. And when the day comes that they call me because I am now so successful that they have determined that there is something to be gained by doing so, I will ignore their feeble requests for a helping hand just like they have done. I will forgive them, but I will not forget.